Duke Nukem and Hulk Hogan's Fantastic Adventure 7
The Story We find ourselves in a city known as Duke City, home to earth's greatest and mightiest heroes. Now, our greatest heroes, the Duke & Hulk Gang usually meet up at Duke Nukem's Apartment, and that's specifically where we find ourselves now. Coincidentally, the gang all happens to be there, having a good time. Our greatest heroes, Duke and Hulk, are enjoying a couple of 24-can cases of Miller Light. Soulja Boy is rubbing his forehead. Switching to past tense now. Hulk looked at him. "Soulja Boy, what's wrong?" he asked. Soulja Boy replied "My Soulja Boy Senses, or Soulja Tellin', or whatever I called it, is tingling! It's... It's Luke! He's humiliating himself!" The rest of the gang gasped. "Oh, poor Luke... And after we saved him from getting absorbed by an android last month and everything... Come on guys, let's go down to Duke City Community College!" said Duke. The rest of the gang yelled in agreement. Upload was picking his nose. So anyway, down at DCCC, Luke found himself in the wrong classroom. He asked the professor "Excushe me, isn't this the classhroom fow Pwogwamming in Java 101?" The entire classroom began to laugh at him. Even Joey the Guy With No Vocal Chords managed a hearty laugh at poor Luke! The professor said "Son, you're not even close to the right classroom! You need to FIND TEH COMPUTAR ROOM!" Luke, turning redder and redder, confessed "...But I don't know where da computa woom is!" The professor laughed and told Luke "Did you miss the big sign that says 'Computer Room This Way'?" Luke was devastated at this point. He began to wet his pants, except not really, because at that point, he realized he was no longer wearing pants! Luke began to bawl his eyes out. He was wearing pants when he walked into DCCC just a little while earlier! Where did he lose them? Anyway, the Duke & Hulk Gang were utilizing the Duke Mobile 2.0's flight mode once again. Duke's dog Dukey took the wheel, as he always does. Sci-Fi was looking at the radar screen. "I see DCCC! We're right overhead!" he said. Duke went over to Dukey. "We're gonna go down now, Dukey. Take this baby to the parking lot, okay buddy?" he said. Dukey barked and licked Duke's face in response. Duke pet him. "Good boy!" he said. So, the Duke & Hulk Gang grabbed their parachutes, and walked out to one of the Duke Mobile's wings. They all leaped off. There was some guy on stilts with a camera, and he was recording, and Hulk crashed right into him. But he didn't get hurt too bad. Anyway, the Duke & Hulk gang landed on DCCC's roof, but the roof didn't do a very good job of supporting our heroes' weight, so it collapsed!! They happened to land in an art room, where a bunch of nude, curvy women were posing for the young, inspiring artists to sketch. Conveniently, every single one of our heroes had landed on a woman. Upload jumped off the woman as quick as he could and tackled one of the male art students, to give his friends the impression that he landed on him instead. So, Duke's dick shot straight through his pants and he began fucking one of the women harder than fuck. Though the rest of the gang, sans Upload, found it hard to resist, they realized that Luke was in danger. Well, not danger, but being humiliated. Hulk tried to pull his best buddy off of the woman. "Brother, your nephew needs us! Let's go!" he said. And then, as they were running out of the doorway, they realized it was a stupid idea to leave the women behind. Each of them grabbed a bitch, and ran out to find Luke while having sex with them at the same time. "Wait! We still need to sketch them! What about our grade?!!" yelled one of the students. "Go home and draw your mom or something!" yelled Hulk. The gang was now long-gone, whilst still fucking the women while running as fast as they could. The women had their arms and legs wrapped around each of them. Then, everyone tripped, because even for our greatest heroes, it's not easy to have sex and run at the same time. However, the tripping provided just the force they all needed to ejaculate, and boy, what mighty ejaculations they all had. McBaldy's penis fell out of the woman's vagina as he tripped though, so his jizz stream shot into a classroom. A second later, they heard a boy yell "OWWW! MY EYE! I'M NOT SUPPOWSED TO GET SEMEN IN IT!!!" "Hey!" exclaimed Duke. "I think that's Luke!" So they walked into the classroom, and the entire classroom broke into a giant applause, seeing the world's greatest defenders. One person was like "WHOA, IT'S THE DUKE & HULK GANG! CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPHS?!" But then some homosexual faggot, who made Upload seem as straight as Duke, was like "Haha, they came on that big oaf!" Duke clenched his fists together, and the room suddenly went silent. Duke walked up and picked the fag up by the face. "Don't... you... EVER... insult... my nephew... AGAIN." he said. He then looked at him in the eye. The fag then said "Hey Duke, fuck you!" This angered Duke so much that he crushed the fag's face, both disfiguring it and killing him. The classroom gasped. "ANYONE ELSE?!" Duke yelled. Everyone shook their heads slowly. Luke ran over and the gang gave him a hug. "Come on, Luke, let's go get you to your next class," said Duke. Soulja Boy pulled out a tissue and wiped the tears from Luke's face. The gang left. As they were walking Luke to Programming in Java 101 with their women on their backs, an elephant was running around the halls of DCCC! Hulk said "Whoa! What's an elephant doing at DCCC?!" Then, they noticed that Luke wasn't wearing any pants! "Luke! Where the HELL are your pants?" his uncle asked. Then, they noticed another thing. The elephant had a pair of jeans hanging out of his butt! Everyone was thoroughly confused. Then the elephant saw McBaldy's head, and mistook it for a peanut. So, using his powerful trunk, he scooped up McBaldy and ran off. "HEEEEEEELP!!!!" yelled McBaldy. "Oh shit!" said Sci-Fi. "Kevin in trouble" said Upload. "Das right, Upload. Come on, y'all, no time to waste!" said Soulja Boy. So they all chased after the elephant, for both McBaldy and Luke's pants. So, while they were running, Duke's cell phone, which was in the shape of his head, began to ring. "Oh fuck, what bad timing!!" So he quickly grabbed his phone and pressed the green button. It was Grandma Nukem! She called Duke to tell him that Kimba the White Lion was not a rip-off of the Lion King. Duke told her that he already knew that. But Grandma Nukem also called to tell him that it was her 13th birthday party and he was going to miss it! Duke had completely forgotten. "Please, Duke! Come to my birthday! You told me you wouldn't miss it for the world!!" she yelled. "But Grandma Nukem, I'm trying to SAVE the world right now!! Well, not the world, but I'm trying to save my bald friend and a pair of pants from an elephant in a school" he said. Grandma Nukem thought it sounded like a bullshit excuse, so she hung up on him, angry and upset. "Argh!" said Duke. "We've got to rescue McBaldy and Luke's pants and quick!" The elephant was still running and was caught at a dead end, so it charged through the wall, like in the movie The Jungle Book. Or was it Ace Ventura: Pet Detective? I don't know, but who gives a fuck, you get the idea. The elephant ran out into traffic, and knocked over an ambulance that had a woman in labor inside of it. The ambulance blew up. Duke had two priorties on his mind, and he was on a time limit too! So, first, he delivered the baby of the woman in labor. The kid was an ugly fuck, but that's okay, because Duke had big plans for this baby. You see, Duke played football back in the day, and man, could he throw a ball with velocity! He accidentally killed many a spectator that way back in his youth. So, he picked up the screaming baby, and threw him at the elephant, who was just plowing down the road at this point. The baby hit the elephant SQUARE in the elephantestes, causing it to collapse. Unfortunately, the way McBaldy fell, he was crushed by the elephant as it collpased. Luckily, Luke's pants remained intact, albeit covered in elephant shit. So, the gang ran over as fast as they could. The woman was like "OOH MY BABY!!!" but Hulk tied her up and dropped her down a sewer. So they got over there, and using their combined strengths, rolled the elephant off of McBaldy. Sci-Fi checked his pulse. "He's still alive, but he's in critical condition! What do we do?!" And then, Luke farted loudly. "'Scuze me!" he said. And then, Brook pulled out the baby from between the elephant's scrotum cleavage. "Yo ho ho, it's still alive, but barely! Thank goodness. Ma'am, you forgot your baby!!" he said, as he dropped the baby into the sewer. However, the baby landed on a flat surface, causing it to explode. "Okay y'all, looks like our job here is done" said Soulja Boy. "Yeah, but we need to get Kevin to a hospital and quick!!" said Sci-Fi. So then Dukey had come to the rescuuuuuuuuuuue! He was flying the Duke Mobile, and landed it right next to the gang. They all piled in quickly. The Duke Mobile took off, but then they looked out the window and realized there was a hospital right across the street! So they all ran out to the wing with their parachutes and leaped off again! There was yet another guy on stilts, recording a movie, and Hulk crashed into him too. But the stilts guy landed right on the elephant, who was still alive, and was awakened by the impact! So, the gang landed on the roof of the hospital. But then the elephant crashed into a Payless Shoes store. Nearby pedestrians cheered. When the gang landed on the roof, it didn't collapse. "Damn it!" yelled Duke, as he stomped his foot in frustration. He broke a hole in the roof, causing the gang to fall through this roof too. So then the gang all landed on some floor in the hospital. However, there was a janitor mopping the floor, and Hulk accidentally stepped in his bucket of mopping fluid, causing him to go slip-sliding all through the halls of the hospital! "GUYS, A LITTLE HELP HERE!!! AHHH!!!" yelled Hulk, knocking patients' charts and other things over as he was slip-sliding. "Soulja Boy, you and the Sci-Fi Brothers take care of McBaldy! Brook and I will save Hulk!" commanded Duke. So, Brook and Duke ran to save Hulk from his slippery predicament. Eventually, Hulk crashed into a walk and lost his footing, and Duke caught him. Hulk breathed a sigh of relief, but then they heard a noise coming from the room they were just outside of. It sounded JUST like someone twiddling their fingers around their nose! Hulk peeked into the room and gasped! "JOHN!?" he exclaimed. "U... Uncle Hulk?" asked John Hogan, in a weak voice. Hulk then ran in and gave John a hug. "You motherfucker! What the hell are you doing here in the hospital?!" asked Hulk. "Well, I got bit by a dog yesterday. I couldn't find my way home since I don't know where I live, so some woman found me wandering around in her backyard last night at 3 AM so she called the police on me. I woke up, and the next thing I knew, I was here! Wanna read my newest poem, Uncle Hulk?" asked John. "No," said Hulk. "Okay, it goes a little something like this. 'I'm in a hospital, because I got bit by an animal, I didn't know what to do, I was helpless like a Jew, I was caught redhanded on a lawn, my name is John." He finished his poem, then he gave himself a round of applause because nobody else in the room did. Soulja Boy, Sci-Fi and Upload entered the room. "Hey y‘all, McBaldy's gonna be a‘ight. He just needs a few hours to rest," said Soulja Boy. John was staring with his red as fuck face at Sci-Fi. "...Uh, who's this?" asked Sci-Fi. "Guys, this is my nephew, John Hogan," said Hulk. John noticed a book hanging out of Sci-Fi's bag. "Hey, is that a copy of Bad People Liberation?" asked John. "Yeah, why?" said Sci-Fi. "Because it's a great book, isn't it?" said John. "Actually, it was pretty boring. I was just on my way to return it actually," said Sci-Fi. John looked shocked. "But... I wrote it..." he said. "OH! Well, uh, I was just kidding!" said Sci-Fi, rubbing the back of his head. John bought it, because he wasn't too bright, like the other main character's nephew. So, John got up and kissed everyone in the room on the lips. Everyone was shocked and disgusted. Once John approached Duke, Duke yelled "WHAT THE FUCK!!" at the top of his lungs and punched him in the face. This didn't stop John, though. He kissed everyone in the room, but once he made it to Upload, Upload took it up a step further and they made out. "So... um, this is your nephew, huh?" asked Duke. "Yeah, I have a sister that fucked my cousin, whose name is Sulk Hogan, out of pity. She ended up getting pregnant and out came John," said Hulk. "Ah," Duke nodded as Upload and John continued to make out. Then Soulja Boy felt a tickle on his neck, which had a tattoo that simply said "NECK" on it, by the way. "Yo, Brook man, cut that out!" he said. Brook looked puzzled. "Yo ho ho? I'm not doing anything!" said Brook. Then the gang all looked over in horror, and realized the stupid elephant's trunk had entered the room through the window! John was crying, and Luke would be too, but he was in the Duke Mobile, drinking a Mountain Dew and playing Connect Four with Dukey. So, Upload spotted it, and got excited. He ran up to the elephant's trunk and performed the art of fellatio. He eventually managed to suck all the air out of the elephant's lungs and kill it. "Whoa! Bra, you did it! You defeated the elephant nigga!" said Soulja Boy. "Elephant nigga? Why did you call it an elephant nigga?" asked Sci-Fi. "Well, you see, elephants are niggers too, because they are from Africa," said Soulja Boy. Then Duke said "Congratulations, Upload! I guess you're the hero for once! But wait, is that it? The only villain in this story was an elephant?" The gang all shrugged. "Well, brother, don't let your guard down, but for now, let's wait for McBaldy to heal up, and then we'll get to your grandmother's party!" said Hulk. Duke smiled and nodded. "Right!" he said. So, the gang walked back to McBaldy's room. "Hey, you're Cabin's friends, right? No worries. Any normal human being would have suffered major brain damage from his injury, but lucky for him he already had severe brain damage to begin with. He'll be fine," said the doctor. The gang cheered, and began singing "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey. John tried joining in, but he had to scream at the same time since he was in a room down the hall. So McBaldy got up out of the hospital bed and the gang walked back to John's room. "John, how long do you have to be in here for?" asked Hulk. A nearby doctor walked by and said "He's not even a patient here, he's just a random lunatic that found his way here with a mild bite. Could you get him out of here, please? He's disturbing our patients and he's taking up precious space." The doctor then walked away, filling out paperwork at the same time. Hulk then said "Well, John, would you like to come to a party with us? Maybe you'll finally find a girl there, eh?" while giving his nephew a noogie. "Oh boy, this is going to be awesome!" John said, with hopes that perhaps he'll meet a special lady at the party. The gang walked back to the Duke Mobile, but then John spotted Dukey, and flipped the fuck out! "MNGNMHNMGHMNG!" John made a bizarre whimper, and began to twiddle his fingers around his nose like crazy. He was going into John Hogan Overload! "OH NO!" yelled Hulk! "We DON'T want him to get like this!" So Soulja Boy used his quick thinking and karate-chopped John in the back of the neck, Dragon Ball Z style. He hit a pressure point and it temporarily knocked him out. They threw him in the backseat of the car. "Okay okay, we've fucked around too much today, and my grandma's party is almost over! We should hurry!" said Duke. Dukey was driving, and up three seats ahead, so John didn't see him when he finally came to. "Where... where am I?" asked John. "Weh on ow way to a berfdey paaawtee," said Luke, who was sitting next to John. "Oh? It'll have cute girls there, right?" asked John. Upload then said "me hope not." They finally arrived at Grandma Nukem's house. "FINALLY!!! What took you so long, Duke?" yelled Grandma Nukem. "S-sorry... But I made it, didn't I?" said Duke. So then the gang walked into Grandma Nukem's house, and lo and behold, dozens of her 13-year-old girl friends were in attendance. John began to do the twiddly thing, but mid-twiddle, he shat himself in fear. He had never actually talked to a non-relative female in his life! Well, except for his joke of an online relationship. As liquid shit began to seep out of John's pants, Soulja Boy noticed the food on the table! There was a giant watermelon. Soulja Boy got deeply offended. He marched up to Grandma Nukem angrily. "YO BITCH, WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA?! SERVIN' WATERMELON? WHAT ARE YOU TRYIN' TO SAY?!" said Soulja Boy. Duke pulled Soulja Boy away. "Soulja Boy, what the fuck has gotten into you?!" said Duke. Soulja Boy tackled Duke and the fists began flying. Hulk and Brook were devastated, watching their best friends go at it like this so suddenly. So, Upload threw his pants off and jumped into the brawl. Meanwhile, Grandma Nukem was heartbroken. One of Duke's best friends yelled at her, and now her grandson is fighting with his best friend - IN HER HOUSE!! Or maybe she just got her first period after being on menopause for so long. Yeah. Blood was dripping down her leg at an alarming rate. John's thumbs began twiddling harder and faster until he couldn't take it no more. He grabbed Grandma Nukem by the neck, and ran into a room with her and locked the door shut. Grandma Nukem was screaming for help, but Duke and Soulja Boy were too busy fighting and Hulk and Brook were too busy trying to break them up. But then something happened which spoke to them. Luke began bawling loudly and ran out of the house. Everyone stopped. "What are we doing!?" said Duke. "Yo, Duke man... I'm sorry man... Can you forgive me man?" said Soulja Boy. "Of course," Duke replied, and pulled Soulja Boy into a hug. Hulk and Brook joined in too. Grandma Nukem's friends said "Awww" as if they were in the studio audience for an episode of Full House. But anyway, Hulk gasped. "We need to stop my nephew before he has his way with your grandma, Duke!" said Hulk. So then, they decided to follow the entwined road of mixed watery shit and blood on the carpet to the bedroom. They found the room. Brook's teeth were chittering and chattering because he was so nervous of seeing exactly what was going on behind that door. "Brook, bro, calm down mang. What would Soulja Boy do if he were in yo shoes right now?" said Soulja Boy to Brook. "Yo ho... you're right. Sorry, Soulja Boy," said Brook. Duke slowly put his hand on the doorknob. His hand was shaking and sweating. "G-grandma...?" he whispered. But no answer. So he slowly twisted the doorknob, and cracked open the door to peek in. His mouth then gaped open in horror. Grandma Nuke was in there, all right. She was just too terrified to be listening. "OHHHH MYYYYYY GOOOOD!" yelled Duke. John had Grandma Nukem pinned down on the bed. They were both naked, but things weren't exactly looking sexual. Rather, they were just looking very... awkward. Also, bloody and shitty. But mostly awkward. John was staring at Grandma Nukem's crotch with a perplexed expression. "W... Where is your weiner??" he asked, pointing to her vagina. Duke busted in and slapped John in the face which made him go flying into the wall. "HEY, THAT'S THE HOLE MY FATHER CRAWLED OUT OF YOU SON OF A BITCH. DON'T GO NEAR THERE," yelled Duke. Some blood squirted out of Grandma Nukem's vagina and it splattered on Duke's face. Hulk took a napkin and wiped it off. "Thanks, Hulk," said Duke. "No problem, brother," said Hulk. Brook took off his arm and placed it near her vagina. "Yo ho ho! She has a boner! SKULL JOKE!!" With Brook's lively sense of humor, the whole room bursted into laughter. But Grandma Nukem was laughing so hard that blood was squirting all over our heroes. As a solution, the gang decided to hang out in Grandma Nukem's pool. Then the rampaging elephant that was giving them a hard time earlier peeked over the fence. Luke pointed and yelled "AHHH! IT'S DAT ELEPHANT DAT TOOK MAH PANTS BEFO'. HE WANTS WEVENGE!" But the elephant did something shocking. Using his trunk, he placed a boombox down next to the pool, and turned it on. The song "Fly" by Sugar Ray started playing. "Oh yeah, this brings me back!" said Duke. "The nineties were great times, brother!" said Hulk. Soulja Boy was like "Yo yo yo, this mah jam, yo." Brook was playing his violin along to the song. Sci-Fi was bobbing his head to the beat. McBaldy was breakdancing on his bald head. Upload was dancing like he did in that "Sonic 3" video. And Dukey was taking a leak in the pool. So, the elephant took this cue and came rite over to their pool party, and sat next to the heroes. The heroes, while still enjoying the boombox, were still confused. Then, Duke rubbed his chin. "Hey, I got an idea. This song came out in 1997, and so did Diddy Kong Racing. So why don't we paint this elephant blue like the sand nigger in Diddy Kong Racing?" he said. The Duke & Hulk Gang cheered. They ordered Grandma Nukem's friends to paint the elephant blue. So the elephant was blue now, like the sand nigger in Diddy Kong Racing. It was so cool. Anyway, after that, they noticed sun was setting because time flew when they were having so much fun. Duke's manly instincts started kicking in, and he put his arm behind his back and pulled out a grill, and a case of beer. He tried to pop open a can, but when opening your beers isn't easy, he finally managed to get it open. He was grilling some burgers for the gang, and then something terrible happened. He dropped the spatula in between the bar-thingies on the grill! "Oh shit, after all that's happened today, I don't know if my friends will be able to handle another disappointment..." Duke said to himself. "Hey Duke! How are those burgers coming, brother?" yelled Hulk. "Oh, they're coming great, buddy!" said Duke. "You not burn mine," said Upload. John was reading his book, Bad People Liberation, to Luke. But Luke was drawing in his notebook. Oh yeah, sorry. Back to Duke. The spatula must've caused something to go haywire in the grill, because a huge fire then broke out! "Yo ho ho, is everything alright over there, Duke?" asked Brook. "UHH YEAH, IT'S FINE!" said Duke. So then, since Duke was wasted, he tried putting the fire out with a can of beer, but this made the grill explode, and the hamburger patties flew everywhere, and one even landed on McBaldy's head. "Duke, are you sure everything's alright? Remember that we have my delicious Hulkster Burgers for emergency backup!!" yelled Hulk. "NO NO NO I'VE GOT IT UNDER CONTROL, REALLY," said Duke. The remains of the grill were in flames, and the front of Duke's body was dark and covered with charcoal, making him kind of look like a nigger. Then John noticed what had happened, and proclaimed "Don't worry! I know how to cook fish sticks in the oven all by myself!" So John asked Grandma Nukem if she had any fish sticks in her freezer. Her response was "No." John's response to that was "Oh." Meanwhile, the rest of the gang was still oblivious to Duke's plight. Wow, it sure is weird for John to be the observant one! Anyway, Duke was out of options. He did the only thing he could do. He started running to Burger King. "DUKE! Where are you going?!" asked Sci-Fi. "OH, DON'T WORRY, THIS IS ALL APART OF THE PROCESS!" responded Duke. Dukey had caught on to Duke's plan, and pulled Duke up to the Duke Mobile with the "Sunglasses-Attracting Beam" to get him to Burger King even faster. So, they found the nearest Burger King. They arrived in the drive-thru. "Sup muthafucka how can I take yo orda," said a voice coming through the speaker when they came to the certain bump. "Yeah, I would like 30 Whoppers to go, please! With cheese on them, too!" said Duke. "Muthafucka are you CRAZY? Bitch we can't make that much for you, make a smaller order, like as small as yo dick," said the voice. A vein started throbbing on Duke's forehead. "As small as my dick, you say? Okay. Make that FIFTY Whoppers with cheese," said Duke. "BITCH, CHU THINK AH'M PLAYIN' GAMES WIT'CHO ASS? ORDER A SMALLER AMOUNT OF FOOD YOU DUMB MUTHA FUCKA!!" said the voice. "Alright, that's it," said Duke. He stepped out of the car, and walked to the window. People watching all around thought that was really cool. Dukey knew what was going to happen. Duke arrived at the window. A big fat nigga bitch was there. "BITCH WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YO DOIN CRACKA," said the big fat nigga bitch. So, Duke punched the big fat nigga bitch right in the vulva, which honestly didn't do all that much. Duke then remembered that women do not possess testicles. So, he utilized Plan B instead. He just beat the BFNB into a pulp in general. Because her skin was brown, the end result beared an uncanny similarity to a heaping pile of shit. Dukey, who had just then decided to come into the restaurant, began to sniff and eat the nigga pulp, mistaking it for dog poop. "No, Dukey!" commanded Duke, pulling his dog away. "That's something even less nutritious than poop: a big fat nigga bitch!" Duke grabbed 50 burgers from the kitchen, and then decided to grab 50 more because of how pissed he was. Then some scrawny, geeky, pimple-faced fucker was all "Excuse me sir, you have to pay for those!" So Duke turned around, walked over, and picked him up by the face, like he did with that one faggot earlier at DCCC. "Oh, do I? said Duke. "N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-nevermind..." said the fucker. Duke picked his bag of burgers back up and left the restaurant. Then the fucker fainted. So, Duke and Dukey were riding the Duke Mobile on a dirt road back to Grandma Nukem's house, to save on flight mode fuel. Then it started to rain. Duke wanted to feel the rain fall on his face, so Dukey pulled the Duke Mobile over, and Duke stepped outside, and stared at the sky. So then, he said "Dukey, we should get back soon." "Arf," said Dukey." It was now nighttime in Duke City. Duke got back in the car and turned on the radio. Suga Suga by Baby Bash was on the radio. They then arrived back at Grandma Nukem's place. Everyone has moved to Grandma Nukem's living room because it was dark and wet outside, much like a female African American ready for penetration. When Duke and Dukey walked in the front door, they were all playing Kirby Air Ride on an HDTV. Then Duke went over and emptied the burgers onto the table. "Alright guys, the food's ready!" he said. No one responded, as they were too engrossed in the game. "Uh, guys? The food's done." Again, no one responded. "GUYS, THE FOOD'S DONE!!!" yelled Duke, now getting impatient. Again, no one responded! So Duke went over and pushed the "open" button on the Gamecube, took out the disc, and threw it to Dukey, who caught it like a frisbee. "HEY!!" yelled Grandma Nukem. "Oh, Duke! You're back!" she said, giving him a kiss on the cheek. "Yeah, I got the burgers grilled to perfection, and even made extra!" said Duke. The gang all cheered, and went over and dug in. For some reason, not one of them could tell that they were Burger King burgers. Not even Hulk, who went to Burger King as much as Duke. But anyway, Hulk noticed that John kept eyeing Grandma Nukem up and down. "Hey, Duke? Can I speak to you for a second, brother?" he asked. "Sure thing, Hulk! What's up, bra?" said Duke. In the distance, McBaldy yelled "HE'S NOT A BRA!!!" and then continued eating one of the one hundred delicious Whoppers Duke got from Burger King for free because hey he's Duke Nukem. "Well, I keep noticing John is eyeing your grandmother up and down. I think he wants to get into her panties. Let's take him home before he miraculously figures out how to forcefully reproduce," said Hulk. "Good idea," said Duke. So then Hulk went over to John, who was now staring longingly at his copy of Pokemon White because he lacked a DS to play it on. Hulk tapped him on the shoulder. John looked up. "Listen, John, I think it's time we took you home," said Hulk. "NOOOoOOoo, I'm having too much fun! Can't I spend the night, Uncle Hulk? Can I, please?" said John, "OUT OF THE QUESTION," said Hulk. So they decided to put sleeping pills into the next Whopper he was going to eat. John fell asleep! So Duke, Hulk, Brook and Dukey all walked out to the Duke Mobile to take the sleeping John back home. Soulja Boy stayed inside with the Sci-Fi Brothers, Grandma Nukem and her remaining friends. "He didn't remember where he lived, right, Hulk?" asked Duke. "That's correct, brother. Luckily I know where my sister lives. So, let me program it into your handy-dandy Duke GPS," said Hulk. "A'ight," said Duke. They were on their way there. "Send Me On My Way" by Rusted Root was on the radio! So then, the four heard a muffled "HELP! HELP!" So Duke said "Pull over, Dukey!" and Dukey did. So the gang got out, and opened the trunk. Luke was in there! "Luke, what the friggity fuck were you doing in the Duke Mobile's trunk?!" said Duke. "I was looking fo' some cwayons fo' my dwawing..." said Luke. "Luke, I don't buy crayons and store them in the Duke Mobile's trunk. Don't ever go in there again!" said Duke. Luke started sniffling a little bit "Awight, I won't..." he said. Meanwhile, John began to shake violently in his sleep! "Yo' Hulk, da hell's up with dis kid?" Soulja Boy inquired. Hulk explained "Oh, don't mind him. Ever since he got into this fight with a priest, he's been having nightmares about it." So Hulk then did a double take. "Wait a minute, Soulja Boy, I thought you stayed behind with the Sci-Fi Brothers!" he said. So Hulk tapped Soulja Boy, who was actually a cardboard cut-out with a tape recorder attached, who fell over. The real Soulja Boy was still back at Grandma Nukem's house. He just felt like playing a prank. So anyway, they pulled up to the house, and Hulk carried John to the doorstep. They tried fitting him in a basket so they could leave him on his mother's doorstep, but he was way too fat and mentally handicapped for that. So they just used a trashcan. Finally, John was out of their hair (except McBaldy's) for the time being. They drove back to Grandma Nukem's house as quick as they could so they could party it up with the rest of the gang. They arrived, and then as they were walking up, Brook's cellular phone rung. His ringtone was a song from Wonder Boy III: The Dragon's Trap. "Hey, good choice for a ringtone, Brook. I used to love playing that game on the Sega Master System," said Duke. "Thanks!" said Brook, then he answered his phone. Brooke was on the other hand. "YOU SON OF A BITCH. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS? GET THE HELL BACK HERE AND READ YOUR SON A BEDTIME STORY!!!" yelled the bitch. "Yo ho ho, alright dear..." said Brook, hanging up. "Sorry guys, I gotta get going," he said. "It's alright, brother. We understand," said Hulk. They all did fist-pounding things and yeah. Then Brook called the Flying Nimbus and hopped on, and flew off. So then Duke, Hulk and Dukey walked back into Grandma Nukem's place. All of her friends were gone, and all that remained were the Sci-Fi Brothers, Soulja Boy, Luke and of course Grandma Nukem. "I guess we should call this a night, huh?" asked Hulk. So then the gang all gave Grandma Nukem a hug. "Duke, I'm so glad you came today. This was even better than my first 13th birthday!" said Grandma Nukem. Duke said "I'm glad I made your day special, Grandma. And look, I'm sorry we were so late, it's just--" "No no, it's alright, I understand. I know what it's like when you're the world's greatest defenders. Don't ever let me slow you down," said Grandma Nukem. Duke nodded and smiled. So the gang all left the house waving, and piled into the Duke Mobile. First, Dukey stopped by the Sci-Fi Brothers' residence to drop them off, and the Sci-Fi Brothers' parents scolded them because they were supposed to be in bed by 9 PM. But all was good. Finally, all that was left was Duke, Hulk, Soulja Boy and Dukey. Dukey's next stop was Luke's house. "Wow, this brings back memories of our adventure a month ago!" said Duke. "I agree!" said Hulk. The gang all farewelled Luke. Then Dukey stopped by Soulja Boy's crib to drop him off. "Soulja Boy, keep it real," said Duke. Soulja Boy did that chest pounding arm-extending gesture. "See ya later, mah home slices," said Soulja Boy. Then Dukey finally stopped by Hulk's house to drop him off. Duke and Hulk shared a big hug. "Hey brother, if you're not too tired later, maybe we can play Brawl over Wi-Fi!" said Hulk. "Alright! I'll be on AIM!" said Duke. Hulk evacuated the Duke Mobile. Duke and Dukey were gonna go home, but the Duke Mobile was all out of gas! Ah well. There was a blanket in there, so they pulled it over themselves and fell asleep. But wait, Hulk was Duke's best friend, why didn't they just ask to stay there for the night? Ah well, who cares. This was one fantastic adventure. Until next time... er, I'm all out of epic ending speeches. I'll just say... THE END.